Translation by Richard

I've spent our entire married life translating for Richard. He never spoke a word until he was five years old. Even today some words come out all mangled up. Recently we were having some guests for dinner. I wrote a list of things to get at the store.
"What do you want to serve for dessert?" I asked.
"Get some oregano." Richard replied.
"Oregano?" I looked at him as if he were crazy. He stared back as if I were the crazy one.
"You know those little pastries with fruit inside."
"You mean rugala?"
"Yeah, rugala. You know what I mean. Oh and get some sparus."
"Asparagus?"
"Aspragarus." He still can't pronounce that word no matter how hard I try to help him.
On a recent trip to Washington, DC, Richard did a little translating of his own.
Our friends insisted we go out for what they called the best Chinese food on earth. George Bush senior had made the restaurant famous during his stint in the White House. We entered a typical American style Chinese restaurant. The former president's picture adorned the walls. Chinese lanterns hung from the ceiling. The waitress put on a show as she carved our Peking duck. We shared more food scooping it from large metal dishes. We ate and drank and had lively conversation.
After we gorged ourselves, the fortune cookies appeared on our table. No Chinese meal is complete without a fortune cookie. We each grabbed one and cracked it open. Keeping with tradition, each fortune had to be read aloud.
"An old pot is best around the kitchen."
"Concern yourself about others more than yourself."
"Watch out for falling donkeys. One may just land on your ass." Silly but true. We all laughed.
Now it was Richard's turn. He put on his glasses and in his most serious voice began to read.
"Tonight you will have good sex." We roared.
I grabbed the fortune from his hand to find out what it really said.
"Look in the right places; you will find some good offerings."
He took the fortune back and showed me the Chinese characters on the back.
"I was reading from this side," He grinned.

The Adventures of Mr. Squeaky

There is only one toy in the dog toy box that has survived Ginger's determination to kill by chewing it to death. His name is Mr. Squeaky. He's a red rubbery looking thing without a face. His big blue shoes and bow tie are surrounded by red spikey rubber hair. I bought him at the grocery store and he's been around since she was a puppy. Few can make that claim.
He makes a squeal that will arouse Ginger from a sound sleep and bring her to my feet in a nano second. Have you seen the new Toyota commercial where they're driving around calling for the dog holding the squeaky toys out the window? In the commercial, the dog keeps running. If I held Mr. Squeaky out the window she'd leap into my lap through the open car window. No question about it. Mr. Squeaky is beloved.
Mr. Squeaky has become quite adventurous lately. Last week he took a ride atop the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum terrifies Ginger. The vision of her boyfriend riding it, freaked her out. Her usual barking and screeching at the moving machine turned into an all out panic attack. Her lip quivered and tongue wagged at a frantic rhythm. She ran up and back trying valiantly to save him, unable to get close enough because of her own fear. Richard finally tired of torturing her and gave Mr. Squeaky back. She grabbed him and ran to the safety of the bedroom.
This morning as Richard tried to make the bed, he uncovered the toy deep within the covers. He set Mr. Squeaky on the frame of a picture hanging on the bedroom wall. Mayhem broke loose once Ginger spotted him. She jumped up and down but he was well out of reach. Her incessant barking forced me to save Mr. Squeaky because my ears hurt from all the noise. Once in her grip, again she retreated to safety in another room.
Where will Mr. Squeaky turn up next? Richard only knows. I know for sure however, that Ginger will rescue him no matter where he goes.

Is It Halloween Yet?

Richard's been putzing around in the garage. That's his project lately. He's cleaned out and thrown out so much garbage in the past couple weeks that I'm beginning to think I could have moved everything here in the back of my car without a moving company if only he'd done this sooner. People around here route through our trash on a regular basis these days. There's some good stuff out there.
I turned from my computer as I heard him come in the back door. He held his favorite Halloween mask in his hand. It's a scary white face with a black hood. The mouth and eyes are stretched long and oval. I think it's from 'Scream', but I don't know for sure. I'm not very up on horror movies. They scare me.
Just knowing this mask is in the house, frightens me. I scare easily. Richard sneaked up on me so many times over the years with that damn thing on that I had to lay down the law.
"You can't do that to me ever again!" I screamed at him. "I think I'm having a heart attack!" After I said that about ten times, he finally got the message.
This time he held his finger to his lips so I'd be quiet. I wasn't his target today. It was the unsuspecting... Ginger!
Ginger slept curled up in the corner of the sofa on her favorite pillow. Her head rested on the arm, eyes closed.
Richard slipped on the mask while still in the kitchen and started to growl. She didn't move. He groaned and squealed louder. She lazily lifted her head up about an inch. Richard lumbered closer. Ginger put her head back down. He stomped his feet as he got near the couch. Ginger sat up and stared, still not leaving the comfort of her spot. Richard bent down putting his distorted face within inches of her own. No response.
He stood still for a moment. Ginger lurched forward, stuck her nose through the mouth of the mask and kissed him on the lips.
So much for having any fun, scaring the living daylights out of us.
I think the mask went back out to the garage. Not into the garbage, just back to it's hiding place... until next year.

The Journey of Life

Today is Richard's 50th anniversary of his induction into the Navy. It was 1959. He was 17 years old. He got on a train and headed to the Great Lakes Naval Training Center. His mother packed him a lunch for the ride.
As long as I've known him, he's called October 5th his lucky day. This day started him on his journey. A journey that took him around the world. A journey that shaped him for all that was yet to come. A journey that led him to me and us.
Thank a service man today. Hug someone that has made a difference in your own life. Look up an old friend on facebook, that you've lost touch with long ago. Make connections.
You may never know where life will lead you.

The Lap of Luxury

The new loveseat is being delivered today. It's two plush, cushy leather recliners stuck together to form one cozy loveseat. It's perfect for our little extra bedroom turned TV room. We bought it on Tuesday and they can't deliver it until today. In typical Richard fashion, he did all the furniture rearranging as soon as we returned from the store. So needless to say we haven't been able to use the room. We've spent our evenings sitting on the plush, cushy sofa without recliners in the living room, dreaming of when we could finally stretch out.
Yesterday as I left to do the grocery shopping, (alone I might add) Richard said, "Get some ice cream so we can eat it and celebrate the new loveseat."
"I can't do that. You'll eat it tonight and there won't be anything left for tomorrow." Richard is a glutton when it comes to anything sweet. He can woof down an entire half gallon of ice cream in a single sitting. We call it the family sweet tooth. His brother has it too however his wife has much more control than I do. I can't keep ice cream or cookies or cake in the house. It disappears.
"Hide it in the freezer. If I can't find it, I won't eat it." He winks at me.
Against my better judgment I bought ice cream. It was tricky hiding it in the freezer. I only had some Lender's bagels to use as camouflage since the pancakes are all gone. I did my best to conceal the frozen treat.
We tried to settle in to our last night of television on the sofa. We both tossed and turned and fussed and fidgeted.
"Why did you buy two containers of ice cream?" he asked.
"I didn't." I lied.
"I saw two pints out in the garage."
I glared at him. I knew he hadn't even been in the freezer in the garage. We'd played this game a million times. Richard likes to see if he can trip me up. Usually he can. My face can never tell a lie. He can be relentless in his search for sugar.
I held firm. "I'll buy ice cream tomorrow when I go to Walmart. I'm not stupid you know."
"All right,"he said with a frown.
Phew! I breathed a sigh of relief. Tonight we're going to celebrate!!